Page 74 - updated on July

Yu Jihui: “A Stinking Old Ninth – A Tale of the Coal Capital” (updated on July 2020)

Since I lost White Swan, I had been guilty of

myself. White Swan had occupied such a large space

of my heart that I could often see her standing in

front of me. Sometimes she had her head lowered

with tears in her eyes, as if she had to have a lot of

words to say but couldn’t speak. Sometimes she was

smiling at me as if she were wishing me well. I

would curse and beat myself. I hated myself. I even

wanted to commit suicide. I had apologized to her. I

had begged her forgiveness. But she had refused to

forgive me. She even preferred to marry a widower

who was fifteen years older than she was. I knew

why she had done so. She had deliberately sacrificed

herself to hurt me. She was such a stubborn girl. I

still wanted to remedy it, but I didn’t have the chance.

I had been sad. I had felt guilty - too guilty to make

new girlfriends. Actually, it was impossible for me to

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